MKE Week 5 – Something is starting to crack through

Something is different.  Literally today.  I feel a sense of something trying to crack through.  I’m not quite sure what it is.  I think its understanding.  Its not quite there yet though.  I’m fascinated and in wonder of it.  I feel I’m on the edge of understanding something that will transform what I get in life … of course by what I give.

Last week I was trying to make sense of giving and getting and how you have to give to get.  Yet I couldn’t quite make sense of how can you give if you haven’t got.  I suppose I was looking at giving things I didn’t have ‘spare’.  Surely, if I had it, I could give it.  So relaxing a little and seeing that as long as I have, I can give and I will get more …

If I don’t give I won’t get more.

That was the piece I got most out of my reading of Emerson’s Law of Compensation.  That combined with daily reading of the Law of Giving is making me rethink everything about  how I am being while I look for more from my life.

I feel I have been hoarding:

  • the money I have
  • the time I have
  • the love I have
  • the honesty I have

I didn’t want to spend money because I was worried about the future

I didn’t want to spend time with certain other people because I was worried about the lack of progress I had with the time I had for myself as well as other reasons like having to tell people – yes, am still trying to work out what I do, yes I do nothing and not being able to adequately explain what I do all day every day …

I didn’t want to give love, at times, because I felt hurt at how I had been treated in the past.  Scared of being hurt again or over giving again and feeling taken advantage of was something I was trying to avoid so I withheld my love and attention for certain people

I didn’t want to give honesty, because I was scared of being judged or unsupported.  Even if that was to the most important person in my life right now.  I feel they want something different from what I want for myself – that is what I am still trying to figure out so as I try I feel I need space to do so.  The holding back is making me feel lonely though and dishonest in a way.  Unsharing.  The thing I value most in this world.

And then I notice, what is happening in my life in these areas:

Income seems to be fairly non existent.  In fact, I have discovered, money that was due months ago did in fact not come through as expected – so it is worse than I thought …

Time seems to fly yet nothing seems to get done and I don’t seem to have enough time to do what I want

With love and honesty – at times I feel more lonely than I have in years – and yet I know that now there are people I love and who love me more than I have ever felt loved in the past.  In a way it feels more sad knowing people are there and I feel I can’t be fully open and honest with them than when I did when I thought there was no one there!

And yet I have the answer, it is simple

Give and I shall get.  So ..

I need to give money.  (I do hope this means spend as well as just give away as that is what I am planning to enjoy).  I am starting to buy the things I desire, would love to have and cherish and thoroughly enjoy.  A new phone – finally after many years of barely being able to use the old one.  New trainers so I can relish throwing myself even more into my chosen sports.

I need to give time.  This is going to be a tricky one.  As those who I have been avoiding most, are those who I think I need to give the time to.  So I am planning to see the friend who has let me down, cancelling for the past 3 times we were supposed to meet and who I already told I don’t like that.  (Although I know she was just putting herself first which is probably something I ought to do rather than hate when others do it and it impacts me). I will go and see the ex who I have felt let down by in the past and just be there as he probably needs support right now.  (I think I felt let down because he’s not the person I want to be with rather than hating him for being him, I feel I ought to honour who he is and who I am and who I need in my life).  Of course I will give my time for those I love the most too – my wonderful sister and her family, my gorgeous boyfriend.  We have been tasked with a mission to give no opinions this week!  It will be interesting to see how that goes for this extremely judgemental and opinionated person this week 🙂

I need to give love.  That will be tough too.  For the love I have been withholding the most is from people who I feel have been very selfish in the past.  I am aware I am withholding and it has felt better to be out of mind and avoiding … until other people keep popping up and asking if I have been in touch with them … Time to just give I think and see what happens.

I need to give honesty.  This one scares me the most.  Because I am afraid I am doing the wrong things, wanting the wrong things, having the wrong perspective.  It makes me cry that I can’t be completely open and honest and share what is going on with me with those I love the most.  I feel like I could share more with a stranger.  As I am doing here.  Also the reason I delete any comments with my name on from those who are kind enough to leave them …  I am still in hiding.  As I don’t want to share openly for fear of even more doubt and judgement coming my way from those I love in particular.  For now, I’m going to put this one on ice for when I feel more ready to take this on. If it feels right during the week, I will take it on … For now, I am off to make some plans …

Anon

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “MKE Week 5 – Something is starting to crack through

  1. I have never thought about spending money as an act of giving… but now I think it could be giving to yourself. Same with love, time and honesty. As Haanel writes “self-denial is not success”. Thank you for sharing and for this interesting perspective.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Amazing observations..
    And I’m really looking forward to see how you grow in all this and start giving..
    As mentioned above.. giving is not only to others.. so start with yourself.. and you are already doing that with the MKE.

    Like

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