Something is different. Literally today. I feel a sense of something trying to crack through. I’m not quite sure what it is. I think its understanding. Its not quite there yet though. I’m fascinated and in wonder of it. I feel I’m on the edge of understanding something that will transform what I get in life … of course by what I give.
Last week I was trying to make sense of giving and getting and how you have to give to get. Yet I couldn’t quite make sense of how can you give if you haven’t got. I suppose I was looking at giving things I didn’t have ‘spare’. Surely, if I had it, I could give it. So relaxing a little and seeing that as long as I have, I can give and I will get more …
If I don’t give I won’t get more.
That was the piece I got most out of my reading of Emerson’s Law of Compensation. That combined with daily reading of the Law of Giving is making me rethink everything about how I am being while I look for more from my life.
I feel I have been hoarding:
- the money I have
- the time I have
- the love I have
- the honesty I have
I didn’t want to spend money because I was worried about the future
I didn’t want to spend time with certain other people because I was worried about the lack of progress I had with the time I had for myself as well as other reasons like having to tell people – yes, am still trying to work out what I do, yes I do nothing and not being able to adequately explain what I do all day every day …
I didn’t want to give love, at times, because I felt hurt at how I had been treated in the past. Scared of being hurt again or over giving again and feeling taken advantage of was something I was trying to avoid so I withheld my love and attention for certain people
I didn’t want to give honesty, because I was scared of being judged or unsupported. Even if that was to the most important person in my life right now. I feel they want something different from what I want for myself – that is what I am still trying to figure out so as I try I feel I need space to do so. The holding back is making me feel lonely though and dishonest in a way. Unsharing. The thing I value most in this world.
And then I notice, what is happening in my life in these areas:
Income seems to be fairly non existent. In fact, I have discovered, money that was due months ago did in fact not come through as expected – so it is worse than I thought …
Time seems to fly yet nothing seems to get done and I don’t seem to have enough time to do what I want
With love and honesty – at times I feel more lonely than I have in years – and yet I know that now there are people I love and who love me more than I have ever felt loved in the past. In a way it feels more sad knowing people are there and I feel I can’t be fully open and honest with them than when I did when I thought there was no one there!
And yet I have the answer, it is simple
Give and I shall get. So ..
I need to give money. (I do hope this means spend as well as just give away as that is what I am planning to enjoy). I am starting to buy the things I desire, would love to have and cherish and thoroughly enjoy. A new phone – finally after many years of barely being able to use the old one. New trainers so I can relish throwing myself even more into my chosen sports.
I need to give time. This is going to be a tricky one. As those who I have been avoiding most, are those who I think I need to give the time to. So I am planning to see the friend who has let me down, cancelling for the past 3 times we were supposed to meet and who I already told I don’t like that. (Although I know she was just putting herself first which is probably something I ought to do rather than hate when others do it and it impacts me). I will go and see the ex who I have felt let down by in the past and just be there as he probably needs support right now. (I think I felt let down because he’s not the person I want to be with rather than hating him for being him, I feel I ought to honour who he is and who I am and who I need in my life). Of course I will give my time for those I love the most too – my wonderful sister and her family, my gorgeous boyfriend. We have been tasked with a mission to give no opinions this week! It will be interesting to see how that goes for this extremely judgemental and opinionated person this week 🙂
I need to give love. That will be tough too. For the love I have been withholding the most is from people who I feel have been very selfish in the past. I am aware I am withholding and it has felt better to be out of mind and avoiding … until other people keep popping up and asking if I have been in touch with them … Time to just give I think and see what happens.
I need to give honesty. This one scares me the most. Because I am afraid I am doing the wrong things, wanting the wrong things, having the wrong perspective. It makes me cry that I can’t be completely open and honest and share what is going on with me with those I love the most. I feel like I could share more with a stranger. As I am doing here. Also the reason I delete any comments with my name on from those who are kind enough to leave them … I am still in hiding. As I don’t want to share openly for fear of even more doubt and judgement coming my way from those I love in particular. For now, I’m going to put this one on ice for when I feel more ready to take this on. If it feels right during the week, I will take it on … For now, I am off to make some plans …